Lesson #1 – Crying is a Good Thing

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how manipulative babies are even in the first few months after birth. How they learn quickly to cry in order to get stuff they want but don’t need. How they’ll demand your attention and learn to pull your strings to achieve their diabolical ends.

But seriously… he’s a baby. He doesn’t even know the difference between needs and wants. He doesn’t know what or who he is, what’s going on, or anything. Why start out treating him like the enemy when he’s just really confused? Instead, Holly and I treated every cry as an indication that something was wrong. Whether he was hungry, tired, lonely, or whatever, we did what we could to help. And you know what? He’s happy, independent, and we don’t regret a second.

Lesson #2 – Sacrifice Isn’t Easy. Duh.

The first six weeks of Grayson’s life were some of the best and hardest for me. Holly and I were constantly up with him, and I pretty much lived off of three hours of sleep a night. At first I really resisted, getting angry. Then I realized that I had grown so comfortable that I had actually forgotten that sacrifice is hard. You have to give something up for the comfort of someone else. When I had come to terms with that, I found it incredibly rewarding.

Lesson #3 – No Laundry is Safe

Babies are like camels. They spit. I can’t tell you how many times I got to work and realized that my shirt had a spit-up stain on it. How this happens is inexplicable to me, but I learned that each and every morning, regardless of how recent that shirt came out of the laundry, you must thoroughly examine it.

Lesson #4 – Flatulence Is No Big Deal.

And if you are thinking I’m talking about the baby, I’m not. One day I had a shocking revelation. People are accustomed to babies smelling. If a baby smells, it’s not cool, but it’s understandable. Therefore I realized that as long as I was holding Grayson, I could fart with impunity. Everyone around would just assume that Gray needed a diaper change. I came to realize this at the mall. In an elevator. Yes, I’m a horrible person.

Lesson #5 – Fear

I’ve never had so many bad dreams or horrible thoughts of carnage as I have this past year. When I became a parent, it was as if my brain felt like it had to prepare for every possible scenario. I’ve always been pretty casual when it comes to my personal safety, so it was really odd for me to care so much about stairs and falling down.

Lesson #6 – Baby Superpowers, Part One: Wolverine

Speaking of injury, it turns out that babies are actually quite resilient. As scared as I get when I think about him falling down or gouging his eye out, he actually does pretty well when he gets hurt. Sure, he cries. For like, three seconds. Then it’s off to whatever else he’s not supposed to have. Which, incidentally, is my next point.

Lesson #7 – Baby Superpowers, Part Two: Professor X

Apparently babies can read minds. No really. It’s as if Grayson knew exactly what I didn’t want him to play with, where I didn’t want him to go. And of course, he went there/played with it. I even began experimenting with convincing myself that I really didn’t want him to play with one of his toys in hopes that he would read my mind and immediately go play with that. But his telepathy is so well honed that he sees past my flimsy conscious barrier. He is a force to be reckoned with.

Lesson #8 – Ignorance is Bliss. And Bad for the Baby.

Turns out I’m not all that good with sacrifice. In fact, I’ll default to ignoring problems and turn to self-entertainment if I’m given the chance. I’d much rather put the boy in front of some kiddo cartoons for a couple hours until bedtime so I can go play Warcraft with the wife, but turns out he doesn’t like that so much. Babies are good at demanding your attention because you know what? They need it. And you need to give it to them.

Lesson #9 – My Life is Over

In a good way. This is also somewhat true when you get married, but even more so when you have a child. I realized one day soon after he was born, that my life was no longer about me. I mean, it never really was, but now it was tangible. In a sense, the rest of my life would be defined by what kind of father I was.

Lesson #10 – Klingons are the Enemy (and scary)

I’ll often pop something on TV to watch while Grayson plays. Usually it’s anime, because that way I can still justify him watching it because it’s a cartoon. But occasionally, I’ll get the urge to watch some Star Trek. What I found was that Grayson cannot stand Worf, or any other Klingon. I think it’s when they yell. He invariably screams and cries until I’ve turned it off an held him for a while. I guess babies are like Tribbles that way.

Lesson #11 – Non Allergenic Pets

If you’re like me and have relatives who are allergic to some pets, you might want to consider having a baby. They normally don’t cause allergies to act up, and you can still teach them tricks. And once they grow up… you can put them to work!

Lesson #12 – Bottom Line

I love him. More than I could ever say. I hope to God he doesn’t turn out like me.

As I anticipate the day upon which you are born, I think about what you will be like. What advice I will give you when you’re older. What hardships you might go through. I realize that since you are my son, you will likely be somewhat like me. If that is indeed the case, then I want to prepare you for the most probable outcome.

Son, you will in all likelihood be a mediocre man, like your father.

Being mediocre, however, is not a death sentence. I used to think it was, but it’s not. Today, I want to tell you how to live, should you discover that, like me, you are mediocre.

If you are not strong, be steady.
If you are not handsome, be attractive in character.
If you are not rich, give yourself to others.
If you are not popular, lift up others.
If you are not a born leader, be a loyal servant of God and mankind.
If you are not intelligent, be thoughtful.
If you are not funny, laugh with others.
If you are not thought well of, be above reproach.
If you cannot speak in public well, pray hard.

Above all son, regardless of how quick others are to love you, praise you, or follow you, love. Love without conditions and without reserve. Pour yourself into others and you will never regret a moment.